Burnout.
I’ve been itching to write a post about the phenomenon known collectively as burnout for weeks now. But I couldn’t because, well, burnout.
It’s a feeling I’m very familiar with, especially since taking on the momentous task of being self-employed while simultaneously being the main earner in my household. The whole saying “yes” to everything - yeah that’s me. I’m the problem.
There’s also the seemingly endless atrocities happening in the world and power-hungry politicians using human lives as political footballs and caring little about the death and destruction their ambition causes, all of which we have front-row seats to through the appendage-like devices that are designed purely to keep us inundated with content we can’t peel our eyes away from. So, maybe it’s not just me?
The month of September saw me pushing well past the limits of my brain capacity as I not only took on additional work that would help bring in income and hopefully support future career goals, but I also found myself pushing my emotional and social boundaries past my comfort limits.
You see, even though I am now making a living speaking to rooms full of people about my experiences on a regular basis, deep down I’m still just that shy, introverted kid who liked to read and write stories and struggled with finding belonging in most of the spaces she found herself in. And that kid gets really tired when I don’t take the time to give her the breaks she needs when she needs them.
Like many people who straddle multiple identities, I learned at a young age on how to code switch and mask the internal difficulties I felt when I was in spaces where I didn’t belong. Even though I found social situations nourishing and joyful and relished relationships where I felt safe, they also drained me, most likely due to the fact that there was always an element of performance embedded in them. Since I didn’t know who I was for a very long time, I performed often in order to match the expectations of those around me in order to be accepted.
Now, on the cusp of my 41st birthday, I am more secure in my identity than I have ever been , yet that little kid is still very much alive inside me and gets really tired when I don’t let her breathe.
Burnout for me looks like a complete and utter physical and intellectual shutdown. It’s a “spend 24 hours in bed like a vegetable” kind of thing that I need to do in order to “reset” myself. Creativity is stifled, auto-pilot does not engage and I am no longer the me I feel proud to put out into the world. When I’m in burnout mode, I’m barely able to take care of myself and nourish my body with what it needs to survive, let alone care for my children who still very much depend on me. Because of this, I often experience guilt along with my burnout, which is an added bonus feature of burnout while parenting that I could really do without.
I’m usually pretty good at recognising burnout when it’s coming. I can see it just over the horizon and try to plan for it like I would plan for an outdoor family activity on a rainy day. But sometimes, no amount of planning or foresight can prevent the burnout wave from hitting when I least expect it. It really is like a wave when it hits - my head feels like it’s underwater and I can hear sounds but not make sense of them and it’s hard to take a breath without taking in more water and I can’t even see the surface and…
Yeah, a wave is a good metaphor.
And sometimes, like last week, I can predict when it will hit, but prediction doesn’t equal power when work commitments = financial security for my family.
It’s funny how the human body and mind can be pushed to its limits for weeks and then completely collapse into a pile of unusable mush in a matter of moments. The elasticity of it all fascinates me as I find myself whole again after the right amount of time spent in a vegetative state. All of a sudden, I can think, create and just be again.
Now I’m looking ahead at an October that is packed to the brim and making promises to those around me that I will be kinder to myself so that they don’t lose me again to burnout. I really want to keep those promises. I want to celebrate all the big wins I’ve had recently, and commiserate over the loses. I want to relish my birthday month and the fact that I’ve somehow managed to survive for 41 years in a world that was not meant for me but that I’ve managed to eek out my own space within.
I’ve written all this knowing that I’m not alone in these feelings, even if burnout might look different for all of us. Anecdotally, I know that racialised people especially are prone to this because of the unique roles we often take on (or are forced upon us) as educators to the masses. I’m writing this to hopefully bring a bit more empathy and connection into the world about all of our shared experiences.
I suppose that while I’m hoping that I can practice more mindfulness this month, I hope that everyone else can do the same. If you can, look out for those around you who are doing the heavy lifting. Most of the time, we are not ok, and as darkness descends and the year comes to a close we can feel the pressure even more. So feel free to step in and support, if you are able. Let’s carry the load together.
It sounds tough, and as you rightly said at the end, let's carry the load together. I think one of the main reasons for burnout in our society, is due to lack of community. That we lean on "I'll go it alone" because that's usually the way we've been taught. On top of that, growing up, being a woman and racialized, as you mention, plays a big role. Thanks for sharing something most of us experience at some point or more in our lives. And in most cases it's the body that tries to warn us that we have stretched too far and ignored our path for far too long.
That's a hell of a lot of stress and responsibility on your shoulders! 'Be kind to yourself' is an easy thing to say and a much harder thing to do. xx